jokes

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 clipped from 2000jokes.blogspot.com

The two rival cricketers were talking. 'The local team wants me to play for them very badly.'

'Well, you're just the man for the job.'

The Judge asks the little girl:
Now that your parents are getting divorced do you want to live
with your mummy?
Girl - No, my mummy beats me.
Judge - Well then, I guess you want to live with your daddy.
Girl- No, my daddy beats me too.
Judge - Well then, who do you want to live with?

Girl - I want to live with the Indian Cricket team, they never beat anybody !!!

During the match, the fieldsman positioned just behind the umpire kept trying to distract the batsman as the ball was bowled to him. Several appeals for L.B.W were turned down, and finally the umpire turned to the fieldsman and said sternly:
"I've been watching you for the last twenty minutes."

"I thought so," came the reply, "I could tell you weren't watching the game!"

The captain looked at his ageing batsman. 'You know,' he said, 'it's a pity you didn't take up the game sooner.'
'You mean I'd be better now?'

'No. You'd have given it up long ago!'

'I'm very nervous about my first game for this team.'
'Why?'
'Well, they might all be great players.'
'Don't worry. If they were any good, they wouldn't be playing with you!'

 clipped from 2000jokes.blogspot.com

Q. Dada teaching kids ABC...

A A for Awkward bounce, B for Bowled, C for caught, D for Dismissed...

Q. What is the similarity between 100m race and Dada's innings?

A. Both take same time to complete, about 10 seconds.

Q. Easiest way to get Dada out?

A. Just bowl to him — he will get out anyway.

Q. How does Dada score a century in cricket?

A. By bowling 10 overs, he will give away 100 runs.

Q. Which is the best team in the world?

A. India — plays with ten people (Dada can't bat, bowl or field) and still wins sometimes.

Q. What should Dada do after retirement?

A. Become catching coach, he offers the best catch practice in international cricket.

Q. Why did Dada decide to donate his bat?

A. He doesn't use it anyway.

Q. Who can beat Dada's record of two minutes at the crease?
A. Dada himself, if he can improve his running speed.

 clipped from 2000jokes.blogspot.com

This is for those of you who hate exercising:

1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the heck she is.

2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

10. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

 clipped from 2000jokes.blogspot.com

Q. What is the main function of the England coach?

A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

Q. What do you call a Englishman with 100 runs against his name?

A. A bowler.

Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?

A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

Q. Why are English batsmen looking forward to the new millennium?

A. So they can at least say they passed a century.

The two clubmen were talking. "So you had a hard time explaining the cricket game to your wife, eh?" ''I certainly did. She found out I wasn't there."

In a local match, the umpire was being jeered and heckled unmercifully from the crowd. At length he walked over to the boundary and sat down next to his chief critic. "What are you doing?" asked the spectator. "Well," said the umpire,"it seems you get the best view from here."

 clipped from 2000jokes.blogspot.com

The batsman was out on first ball. On the long walk back to the pavilion he had to pass the incoming batsman, a supercilious rival. 'Hard luck, old man,' smirked the newcomer. 'Yes. It's a shame I had to be right in the middle of a hat trick.

An American who knew nothing of the game had been taken to a few cricket matches by a friend and was now studying the end-of-season averages. Every now and then he came across an asterisk and the words: 'Signifies not out.' Finally, he turned to his friend and said: 'Why don't you get this guy Signifies to play for your side? He's never out!'

Back in the pavilion, the batsman was talking to a team mate. 'I can't understand it,' he said 'The ball hit my head and the wicket-keeper caught it, but the umpire gave me out. His friend looked sympathetic. 'Sometimes they go by sound.'

The cricket fan had dragged his wife and child along to the ground to watch the local side. He watched with interest, but they were plainly bored and shifted uncomfortably in their seats. The child brightened and turned to the mother. 'They just shouted 'Over', she said. 'I know.' replied her mother, wearily, 'but don't take any notice. It goes on and on and on.'

'I'm proud to say that in thirty years of playing cricket, I've never scored less than twenty five runs and never taken less than three wickets,' said George. 'I wish I could say that,' said Ted. Harry spoke up. 'Well, why don't you? George just did!'

 clipped from 2000jokes.blogspot.com

An expectant father rang the hospital to see how his wife was getting on. By mistake he was connected to the Lord's cricket ground. "How's it going?" he asked. "Fine," came the answer,"We've got three out and hope to have the rest out before lunch. The last one was a duck."

In a calmer moment, Arun and his wife were sitting at home. Arun was as usual reading some bowling averages. "Do you remember the day you proposed at the cricket match?" said she romantically. "You were bold." "No I wasn't," muttered Arun,"I was caught and bowled!"

Q: Prasad asks Kumble to bring a Pepsi... Kumble brings a bottle of Pepsi but goes directly to Tendulkar. Why?

Ans: Tendulkar is an opener.

After the World cup, Saurav Ganguly has a head-on with Ricky Ponting. And Ponting says- "Humare paas Brett Lee hai, Glenn McGrath hai, aura ab toh World Cup bhi hai. Tumhare paas kya hai?" Ganguly replies "Humaare paas?? Humare paas...Ma hai. Sehwag ki Ma!!"

The wicket-keeper had a high opinion of himself and was very free with his advice to the captain. "You know," he said, "You've picked two men who should never be in the side." "Oh really," said the captain icily, "and who's the other one?"

In a village match, one of the batsmen received a fast ball which caught him in the mouth and broke several teeth. The next year, in the return match, he faced the same bowler. "I hope you're not after my teeth this year," he said. "No," grinned the bowler, "this time it's the stumps I'm after!"

The toothless victim was emerging from the anaesthetic. As he came to his senses, he saw the dentist packing up to go to the cricket ground for the afternoon. 'Not a bad morning's work, eh?' said the dentist, cheekily. "All out before lunch!"

Amit's wife rang the cricket club - "Sorry he's just gone in to bat, shall I get him to ring you back?" asked the barman. "No," she said "I'll hang on!"

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